Wednesday, March 11, 2015

Lifting the Fog

"Depression corrupts your view of reality. You create enemies, amplify stress. Everything becomes personal" ~@DeeRene_

I can't even began to explain how much truth there is in that statement. My recent bout with depression was a really tough one. It started around the Christmas holidays, as it always does.  But, I didn't come out of it after the new year like I usually do. This year I was compounded by the stress and anxiety caused by my job. I loved my job...let me rephrase that...I loved the idea of my job, but having 4 different bosses and being pulled in 4 different was just too much. Add being depressed on top of that stress and anxiety, it fucked me up mentally.

I had no clue what reality actually looked like. In my mind my only true friend in this area became my enemy. I had convinced myself that she was being two-faced and that she could no longer be trusted. I had almost cut her off completely and written her off as a bad person. I had created SOOOOO much fear and anxiety about losing my Boo. I took everything he said or did personally. Every little thing caused me to believe that he was going to leave me, and this caused me to behave in ways that I am so ashamed of. He would say something that set me off, I would snap, and when he would shut me out I would go on these long tangents about my fear of losing him. I would beg and plead for him to let me back in only for the cycle to repeat itself.

Other than my son my Boo is my world. That's my family. He's a positive force in my life. He's a source of love, peace, and happiness. He brightens my soul. Of course I don't want to lose that, especially after dealing with all of the ain't shitness that I've had to deal with in the past. But, even though my Boo is better than your boo will ever be, he's also human. And while I was going through my thing, he was going through his own thing. As much as I needed him and his positivity, he needed me and my positivity, but neither of us had any to spare. So, Boo shutting down on me wasn't about me and my outlandish behavior (although I'm sure it contributed to it), it was about him trying to deal and cope with his own stuff. He just couldn't take on all of the extra that I was giving him.

Quitting my job was the best think I could have done for me, for my relationship, for my sanity. The day I turned in my resignation letter I felt so much lighter, like a bolder was lifted off of my shoulders. The fog in my head started to clear, and I was starting to think more rationally. I relapsed though after a student walked into my office and tried committing suicide while I was in the middle of a text conversation with my Boo. That set off another cycle of being shut out and begging to be let back in. It also pushed up my last day of work, so all and all I don't count it as a complete loss.

Since I've been home the stress and anxiety has gone away for the most part and the fog of the depression is lifting. I started realizing all of the mistakes that I've made. I saw how irrational my thoughts were and how they were so far from reality, how I allowed the irrationality fear to wreak havoc on my relationship. I'm starting to see things a lot more clearly, like I finally put my glasses on after going through life with blinders on for the past 3 months.

A very unfortunate circumstance allowed me to see that my friend is truly my friend and that she'll be there for me in my time of need. I don't know what will happen with Boo, as that relationship sustained the most damage. I do know that I love him A LOT, and I know that he loves me too, that he'll always love me. I know that he has to get through what he's going through and find his way back to himself. As much as I need him due to that very unfortunate circumstance, I want him to get better. I want to do whatever is needed to help him to get better. My stress, anxiety, and depression caused me to be selfish long enough. I stand in confidence and have faith that once we are both better and the fog has completely lifted for the both of us then things will be alright between us.

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