Finally Fitting In

I went to bed last night with 50-11 things on my mind...unable to get any real sleep, and I woke up this morning the same way. Then the desire to blog hit me so I logged in and prepared to spill my thoughts onto my computer screen. But, before I did I started reading through old blog posts. After all these are my random thoughts, and I wanted to see just what those thoughts have been. What I realized is that for the past 6-7 years I have been trying to find myself...or should I say find the happiness that I lost when I ended my relationship with Taj. Not saying that he was the source of my happiness, but he helped to create and provide an environment where I felt safe being myself, where I felt comfortable. Everything wasn't always perfect. My finances weren't always the best. Life wasn't always easy. But, I was happy, and honestly that is the last time that I can truly say that I felt that way.

In my true to form self, I have tried to analyze why I haven't been able to achieve that happiness and what I need to do to get back to that place. I've come up with the two most important things that I had in that relationship: 1) The ability to be myself...free of judgment, with understanding and 2) The ability to feel safe in my surroundings. He is the one person who truly knows and understands me at my essence, my core. Outside of my relationship with him, I have had to compartmentalize who I am with people to "fit in" to their standards or society's standards of who and what I "should" be. I have not been able to truly be me, and this has been my source of unhappiness...my cause for stress, pain, depression, anxiety, and everything else I've been through for the past 6+ years. I have had moments of happiness, moments of joy, but they never last long because ultimately I was still being repressed and suppressed. I have spent years reflecting and trying to make changes and adjustments within myself to fit in instead of changing my surroundings to fit who I am.

Everyone has a reason for coming into your life, and I thank God for Kevin. Our relationship was hell, but it helped me to get to this point. They say that change isn't easy, but it's worth the pain that I went through. It broke me out of the cycle that I've been in, got me off the hamster wheel. He was the person who put me back in touch with myself, who I am, what I like, what brings me pleasure and happiness. While I wasn't comfortable enough with him to truly open up all the way and be me completely, he encouraged me to find that person who I could be myself with, and I have...and I'm happy. I have not only found a single person (who is the most amazing person ever), but I've found a group of people, a community, a lifestyle where I fit in. I've found a place where I'm not a deviant, where I won't be judged...a group of like minded people. What's funny is I dated someone back in 2009 who did the same thing. But, when the relationship didn't work out I went back to trying to fit in with society's "norm". I guess it is true that you will repeat the same things over and over until you get it. I'm happy that I finally got it. I'm happy that I found the key to my lock. I'm happy that I have the support of a really close friend and soror. I'm happy that I have a community of people who think like me. I'm happy that after 32 years of living I've finally found where I fit in.