Reflection

They say that December is a month of reflection, a time to look over the year and to evaluate yourself, a time to prepare for the new year that is approaching. Well, this year my reflection was thrust upon me in a sort of violent manner. 2013 was not a kind year to me, and I am all to happy to see it go. But, I have learned a lot in my few days of reflection. On December 3,2013 I became fed up. Tired of the tears...on edge and literally crying desperately for help...I had had enough. Enough of the emotional roller coaster that had been this year...enough of the silent crying...enough of it all. I had allowed depression to have enough of me, and I decided to fight back. I was trying so hard to be strong, be patient, for "this time will pass" if you pray and stay faithful. But, I needed more than patience and prayer. I needed help...real help. I was not myself and had come to the place where even I didn't like the person that I was seeing. I have never been so weak in my life. I have never allowed things to affect me so much. I have never been more ashamed of the person that I was this year.

And then on December 4, 2013 help came, the tears stopped, and I felt like myself...my true self for the first time in over a year. It felt good to be back, it feels good to be back. I woke up this morning angry, at myself more than anything else, for allowing myself to get to such a place, to become such a person...a person that I even hated. Mad at myself for allowing myself to stay in that place and be that person for such a long time. I have been physically, financially, spiritually in places lower than I was in 2013, but I have never been as emotionally low as I have been this year, and never do I want to be this low again. I am a mother, and I don't want my child to ever see me like this again. I alone am responsible for his life, his well being, his upbringing. I will do the best that I possibly can to ensure that he has the best childhood, and I can't do that overburdened and overrun by emotions.

This year has showed me that when loyalty is given to the wrong person it can actually be used as a weapon against me. I have been pushed past my existential limit and made to feel bad about it. I took it all and called it love and loyalty, and went back for more. But, no longer will I allow anyone to make me feel bad about myself. No longer will I allow someone to tear me down lower than I already am. I have to be loyal to myself first and foremost and love myself more than I love others. One thing that I've always known is that I am a giver. I give of myself and give of myself, and I don't ask for much in return because I was built to love and to give. But, I will not let my giving nature be used against me, not anymore. I have to learn when to cut it off, when to stop giving, when I'm being used. And that is something that I will work on in 2014. I won't stop giving...I never will...but I won't allow myself to be used up.

So, in 2014 I want to get back to the fun. I had a child and I became lonely, bored, and miserable. I am such a free spirit. I love to travel and be on the road. I will admit being a single mother with very little support is challenging, but I accept that challenge. I can't do as much as I used to do before I had my child but I can do different things. So no more sitting in the house plotting on kid-free mommy time to enjoy myself. Time to become a kid again and do all of the things that I never got to do growing up with my kid. Kid-free mommy time is cool (and needed for sanity) but, that doesn't mean that I have to be miserable or feel like I'm stuck at home with my child. So, we are going to get in the car and we are going to go, see, and do, and have fun being a kid...and I am going to get back to my fun lighthearted self. I left all of the hurt, anger, pain, disappointment, loneliness, misery, and depression on December 3, 2013, and this serves as a reminder that that is where it will stay. It will not follow me into today, tomorrow, next week, or next year. I take myself back...I take my happiness back...I take my peace back and I will fight to never have it taken away from me again.