Something like an Epiphany

It is amazing what happens when you "let go and let God". While I still have my daily struggle with this pain in my heart, I can say that I feel like a tremendous weight has been lifted in a very short amount of time. I no longer feel like the pain is consuming me, but that I am getting control of it, and working towards the inner peace that I am seeking.

On my journey to inner peace I had something like an epiphany yesterday. God spoke to me through someone else's misfortune. Seeing a single mother and the father of her child argue, bicker, and fight via twitter was such an eye opener for me. Although what they were fighting about was petty and childish, it made the things that I go through with Aiden's father seem trivial. Yes, we argue about things much more important than a box of condoms, but the epiphany was that the arguing period is stupid and pointless. I have come to accept that I can't force him to do anything for his son that he does not want to do. I have also come to accept that no matter what I say or do, it is on him to realize the magnitude of the situation, whether it be now or after Aiden is born. I have let go and decided to let God deal with preparing him to be a father, and I know that if he decides not to do so then God will watch over me and my son. Seeing that argument yesterday was like God's way of putting a mirror in front of my face and showing me just how stupid I looked.

While I can't go back in time and change anything that was said or done, I can move forward and use the past as a lesson on what not to do in the future. In my quest for inner peace I am no longer allowing the negative opinions of others to affect my decisions when dealing with Aiden's father. I have learned that I have to simply trust God, and that doing so may sometimes mean going against my own inner thoughts/beliefs/feelings. I am learning that trusting God is reshaping these same thoughts/beliefs/feelings, and in turn is also helping me to deal with the hurt.

A facebook friend of mine posted as his status today "A single moment of misunderstanding is so poisonous, that it makes us forget a 1000 lovable moments spent together within a minute". It is funny how this speaks to this situation so much. I allowed the hurt and pain from misunderstandings to come in and erase every good/happy moment that was spent with Aiden's father. After all it took those moments for Aiden to be created. Instead I should use the feelings from those moments to fuel the mother/father relationship that will be needed to create good/happy moments for our son. Granted this will take work on both parent's behalf, but I am leaving it up to God to show Aiden's father this.