A Test

I had a really great time this weekend for the 2011 Atlanta Greek Picnic. I got a chance to meet a soror from SC who I tweet often. But amongst the fun of it all I was given some information that I feel was presented to me as a test. While the information wasn't at all shocking to me, I can honestly say that it brought back some of the pain that I have been working so hard to get past. I guess the test was to determine how I would respond to the information. So far I have taken it for what it is. It has helped me to realize some things on my journey.

The first thing that I have realized is that I still care. This is probably the reason that the information that was given to me has resurfaced some of the pain that I am feeling. While I do not know his true feelings about me (as I really don't know what to believe), I know that what I felt for him was genuine and real, and while I know and feel that he is not deserving of such, I can't just turn my feelings off like a light switch. I know that this is a process that is going to take time, but once complete I will be ever closer to the inner peace that I am in search of. One thing that makes this truly hard is the fact that we do have a child together, and that we will have to interact and have some type of cordial relationship for our son's sake (or at least that is what I am hoping for). While I have been able to maintain friendships with people I have cared for in the past, I have always had personal time away from that person to heal from the loss or the change in in the type of relationship that we had. In this situation as much as I want that time alone to heal, I don't think I'm going to be able to get such time, and I'm going to have to figure out how to deal with it with him still present in my life.

The second thing that I have realized is that my expectations of him may be too much. My grandmother always told me that in having expectations in man I would be let down every single time, and that I should only have faith that God will supply all that I need. While I do have faith in God, and I know with all my heart that no matter what Aiden's father does that God will make sure that my son is taken care of, its like I still expect him to take care of his son and to be there for his son. In spite of everything that I have been through this entire pregnancy I still hold on to this expectation and I don't know why. I'm working on trying to let go of it because I know that will eliminate a lot of the disappointment and pain that I feel. This is a daily struggle for me, but I know that when its all said and done that it will make me a stronger person and a better mom to my son.