How Are You Behaving?

My cousin posted this picture and it really got me to thinking about how my behavior is affecting and has affected my relationships. Often times we want to point the blame for the failures in our lives and in our relationships at other people. But, a wise saying (or a smart ass remark) once said "when you are pointing the finger at other people you have 3 fingers pointing back at you".

I took an introspective look at my behavior (particularly over the last month), and I was ashamed of myself. I have allowed myself to get caught up in being a spoiled brat. I allowed jealousy and envy to rear its head unabashedly. I lost control! Control of my feelings, control of my behavior. Then fear stepped in because anytime that I'm out of control or at a low point fear rears its ugly head to to make me feel worse that I already do. So now I'm being a scared, jealous, envious spoiled ass brat, and I'm taking all of this out on the person who I love. The person least deserving of this treatment. The person who I am don't want to lose.  Yet, I allowed fear to continue to allow me to spiral further out of control. I've fucked up, and I'm afraid to lose someone who I love. But, am I really losing him or is it just the fear making me believe that I am. And, that's how fear works. Fear has you believing and doing irrational things based on fabricated thoughts.  It targets your weak spot, and often the person who you love the most is your weakest spot.

This phrase though, it caused me to stop. I stopped thinking, overanalyzing, and processing the fear. I stopped and I realized that the problem wasn't any of the things that I had perceived as problems but that the problem was me and my behavior. So now that I have acknowledged what the problem is the next thing to do is to work on changing it. My battle with fear is an ongoing one. But knowing this, I must work more diligently in overcoming it. I must change HOW I've been addressing it. In that I must be proactive and rationalize my thinking BEFORE I allow fear to set in and control my thoughts. Only then will my behavior change.