Parenthood

I spent the day at my brother's house for my nephew's 1st birthday party, and on my way home I had some things rambling through my mind. As tired as I am I'd rather be headed to bed right now, but I figured I attempt to clear my head first so that I could get the rest that I need tonight to get on the road tomorrow.

Looking at my brother's family I thought about a question that the father of my son asked me....if I could would I want to be with him. I never answered the question for him, because at the time I felt that entertaining the question was foolish because the truth of the matter is unless he's willing to leave his girlfriend I can't be with him...and then would I really want to be with someone who I know has cheated on their girlfriend? But in all honesty, I want nothing more than for my son to grow up with both his mother and his father. I feel that there is something about having both parents present in the home, and I would rather my son experience it than some blended family full of drama. But at the same time, I don't want my son to be exposed to his mom and dad constantly arguing and fighting...and right now that is all that we seem to do, and the baby hasn't even gotten here yet.

I just don't want my son to be disappointed or let down by his father. I don't want him to be hurt by his father's lies and manipulation. And while I want more than anything for his father to be a part of his life, I just don't think he's ready (even though he claims that he is). To me it seems like he is still in "me, my, and I" mode. He's more concerned about himself and his relationship that he is about the son he's about to have. And every time that I think that he's beginning to come around he just disappoints me again. Everybody believes that I should just give up on him, and sometimes I really want to. But when I think about my son something in me won't allow me not to think about his father. If there was just some way that I could get through to him the seriousness of being a parent. If I could get him to understand the sacrifices that have to be made. If I could get him to understand that his son should be the most important thing in his life. But it seems like no matter how hard I try that he just cannot comprehend these things. Its like he's incapable of thinking about anyone but himself and what5 he wants.

And thinking about that and dealing with him is probably the sole reason that I have cried myself to sleep almost every night for the past 5 months. As happy as I am to be having my son, I have not been able to enjoy carrying him because of this whole fiasco with his father. I know that I'm not supposed to let someone have this much control over my joy, but the truth of the matter is that he does. He has managed to hurt me in a way that I have not been hurt in a very long time, and while I have forgiven him several times, I haven't managed to forgive myself (which is always a very hard process). I just want what's best for my son...which I believe is having his father be a part of his life...I'm just not sure if that's what's best for me. I don't know if the continued sacrifice of my joy is worth it because at some point it is going to get in the way of me being the best mother to my son that I can be. At the end of the day I just want whats best for my son...and while a family with both parents present in the household is beautiful...sometimes its not always whats best.