......

Typical me...lost for words with 50-11 things on my mind. Don't know where to begin...don't know where to end. I only have one feeling right now and thats HURT! There is a pain radiating through my heart and soul that I can't even begin to explain, and its all during a time of my life that is supposed to be the happiest. I've dealt with pain like this before...I've dealt with pain worse than this before. I guess thats why its so easy for me to walk around and pretend that everything is ok. But at times when I'm alone I find myself crying trying to bleed my heart of these feelings. But I can't cry for long. I won't allow myself to. I have to be strong...not only for me but for my unborn son. I don't want him to feel the pain that I feel. I don't want him to have to experience this hurt. Which is why I keep pushing his father away. I don't think...no....I know that he doesn't understand the magnitude of his actions on the lives of the people that he has hurt. He is totally oblivious to what he has done and I don't think that he is capable of comprehending it either. So I have done something that I rarely do in life...I have given up. I have written him off as a lost cause never to be revisited. I don't want my son growing up with his father's mentality on how to treat women/relationships/anything related to that subject matter. They say that it takes living with a person to truly get to know them...I believe that it takes creating another life with them. Some people send out there representative until they are forced into a situation when you have to deal with the real them. And while I'm not sure if the representative or the real person is the cause of this pain...I do know that I don't want to deal with either. I know that is easier said than done now that we have this precious life that we have been entrusted with the care of, but it is because of this tiny little life that I am making these decisions. Therefore, I have to stop running away from the hurt, I have to face it head on and conquer it...and like everyone else in the past who has hurt me...I have to move past him. Once I finally let go then I will be free of the pain.