Express Yourself!

Often times people are not allowed to truly express their raw emotions. They are required to qualify why they feel the way they do, or be judged because they feel a certain way. Men especially are taught not to express how they truly feel because they have to be "strong" and expressing emotions are a sign of weakness. I spent 2.5 years repressing my emotions because the person that I was dealing with didn't know how to (or simply didn't want to) handle them. They [emotions] "made him feel awkward". It is so refreshing to be in a relationship with someone who not only allows me to express myself, but also expresses himself and his emotions. I crave knowing how he truly feels about everything because that lets me know who he truly is and not the representative that he presents to the world.

With that being said, sometimes its hard for me dealing with another person's raw emotions. Sometimes they cause very strong emotions within myself. Its hard talking to my friends about it because they have a judgy mind construct when it comes to emotions and feelings. "He's not allowed to feel that way." "What's wrong with him?" "He needs to get it together." "He's insecure." If you ever need a reason to NOT talk to your friends about your relationship issues, here's a major one. They don't understand, they won't understand because they're on the outside looking in and the only details they get are what you give them (which are most likely biased).

Its better, and sometimes easier, to just give raw emotions back to him and we both deal with each other's emotions about whatever is going on. But, this is where I have a need for improvement. Often times when I give raw emotions back its at the wrong time, or taken the wrong way. If I'm feeling some type of way I either become hurt and sad or I get very bratty. I have to learn how to allow him time to deal with his emotions first before I give him mine to deal with also. Because while I can process and handle both his and my emotions at the same time, he struggles with that. I will work on this and I love that he will give me the space to improve myself.

The unconditional love that exists between us gives us the strength needed to express ourselves to each other. It also gives us the strength to overcome the rawest of emotions and whatever reactions that they cause. Our love gives us the strength to grow and to support each other through the growth. It gives us the strength and the freedom to be us in true form. And that is what makes it worth it all.

PSYCHOanalysis

So yesterday I called a good FRIEND (emphasis on the word friend because I don't call too many people that) of mine while I was chilling with a mutual friend watching football. We were sitting around joking, laughing, having a good time like we always do when we converse. In the midst of the conversation she tells me how her boyfriend/boo/whatever he is told her that I'm a bad influence on her and that I use my degrees on her. (For those that don't know I have a bachelors in psychology and a masters and ed specialist in counseling). Both my homeboy and I immediately burst out laughing (he's also working on his masters in the field and has been told the same thing), and let me tell you why.

First, practicing on friends, family, or even people that you know period is unethical and goes  against any moral code of psychologists, counselors/therapists, social workers, etc. That was one of the first things that we were taught in school. Second, AINT NOBODY GOT TIME FOR THAT! I spend all day at work providing counseling and case management services to my clients who have 50-11 issues. When I get off work I'm DONE being captain save-a-chick! Plus, I spent 3 years in undergrad, 2 years in grad school, and amounted a nice sum in student loans to be out here practicing for free .99 on my friends. If I'm "using my degrees" please believe I'm getting paid for it so that I can pay back Sallie Mae with her bitch ass (but that's another rant). Don't get me wrong, I'm a caring and compassionate person, and I'm always there when my friends need me for whatever they need me for. But, if there problems require therapeutic intervention I will refer them to someone who can help them, or simply suggest that they need to go see a counselor for their problems.

So, I decided to create a list for all of you people who think that mental health providers "use their degrees" on their friends of the things that we DON'T do with our friends or significant others.

1) We don't psychoanalyze our friends. If you knew how much we got paid or could get paid for a psychoanalytical assessment then you'd politely shut the fuck up with this one.

2) We don't play "mind games". I'm too old to play games for starters, and I'm not trying to figure my friends out. I'm just trying to enjoy life and bring a few people along for the ride.

3) While we MAY give our friends our opinions or advice, we don't provide counseling to them (or at least we're not supposed to). Advice is cool for the friends but not for the clients, and counseling is cool for the clients and not for the friends. You can come to me with your problem and I'm going to listen and give you my opinion on it. But, if I feel that it is extending into the scope of me having to provide services I'm gonna tell you to seek help, and I ain't it!

Anyway, I'm done with this rant. Its time for me to get dressed for work so I can use my degrees and get paid for it for the next few hours.

Recharging an INFJ

Yesterday I had to go to the Northern Virginia Domestic Violence Community Annual Meeting, and before the meeting, I had to attend a networking breakfast with others who work in the field. Normally in large social settings I am the one on the wall or in a corner merely observing everyone else's interactions. Its the introvert in me. I'd rather be in small intimate social settings with close friends and people I know. But yesterday, I couldn't. While I knew a handful of the people there because I work with on a fairly regularly basis, most of there were foreign to me. I wanted nothing more than to find a corner, have a seat, and just watch as people talked and shared knowledge. But, surprisingly I didn't. I walked in and I found someone I knew, and I spoke. I introduced myself to people I didn't know. I even posed for pictures of the event to go on the website. I networked! I got my name and my face out there in this very tight nit community of people. I was proud of myself. While I wasn't a social butterfly bouncing around from circle to circle making small talk, I had made progress. I networked.

While I was proud of my personal accomplishment, I left the event feeling drained. I was mentally and emotionally overstimulated. I had just spent 5 hours out of my element. I wasn't able to cower behind my cell phone and interact with my friends via social networking. I had no safety net, no security blanket. I was actually engaged with my surroundings. The empath in me felt all of the raw emotions in the room from the different speakers, my pregnant coworker sitting next to me, the award recipients, and the presenters. I had to exert more energy than normal to not only calm my nerves and be engaged, but to not take on the cornucopia of feelings that were swirling around the room. By the time I got back to my office I was spent. I had become slightly annoyed, and I would have rather went home and went to sleep. But, I couldn't. I had a 3pm meeting that I had to prepare for. I had clients texting my phone needing to see me. I had to finish my day.

If I was slightly annoyed at 2 pm imagine how I felt by 6pm when I finally got home. All I wanted to do was get in bed (actually I wanted to curl up in Boo's arms but that option wasn't available). I needed to recharge. My batteries were deader than an iphone after 3 hours of use with no charger in sight. So, I went into my shell. The peace, quiet, and solace of my home was more than welcoming. The eucalyptus and spearmint candle that I lit in my room was more relaxing than normal. My Boo's basketball shorts and my favorite stuffed elephant provided an extra measure of comfort. I had plugged into my charger. Unlike most times when you plug your phone into the charger and keep using it as its charging, I had to turn me off. I couldn't take any more interaction with society. Because I couldn't interact with my known positive sources of energy (at least the one I wanted to interact with), I didn't want to risk taking on any negative energies that would deplete me any further. So, I simply went to sleep, and I woke up this morning with my batteries on 100%. Ready to take on this 12 hour work day. Ready to interact with society again.

Expressing Feelings

When I look at what's going on in the world today...all of the mass killings, random shootings (not by police), and suicides that are going on, it puzzles me. When I look at the increased divorce rates and failed relationships, street harassment, and how we as human beings treat each other as a whole I am saddened. But, all of this can me attributed to one common cause, the inability to express our feelings in a healthy constructive manner. Most of us probably aren't even in touch with our feelings, let alone know how to properly express them.

Looking back at my childhood and upbringing, my mother was a cold person. She rarely expressed any emotion other than anger and frustration, and I wasn't allowed to express any emotion at all. If I cried I was always asked "What are you crying for?" in the sternest of tones. If I was sick I was told to stop whining. Even during labor she asked me if the pain was truly that bad, after birthing two children of her own. My mother herself has described her love as "tough love". This "tough love" has put a strain on our relationship (we currently aren't speaking and haven't spoken to each other for over a year), and this strain has been there for the 32 years that I have been on this Earth. What I'm now realizing though is that the relationship that I had with her has affected not only my relationships with other people, but my ability to properly express my feelings. Even looking back over the last relationship that I was in, I wasn't allowed to even have feelings as he didn't know how to deal with them and feelings made him uncomfortable (his words).

I am a fairly emotional person. While I don't necessarily express how I'm feeling, I am very in tune with what it is I am feeling. I can differentiate between hurt and anger, happiness and joy, etc. I can attribute my feelings to people, places, events, etc. But, I don't necessarily know how to properly express what I'm feeling at the moment all the time; therefore, most of the time I just cry. However, on this journey of growth and in finally becoming comfortable with who I am, I have found that I am becoming more comfortable with my feelings and allowing myself to address them. I have began to face my fears and speak out on them more, especially the fear of not only having feelings but expressing how I feel. I am starting to surround myself with people who encourage me do so as well, as I am no longer stifling who I am for anyone else. I am thankful beyond words (as I'm still working on developing words for certain feelings) for the people who are in my life now. Boo is beyond amazing and a key piece of a lot of the growth that I'm experiencing right now, and my very small circle of friends are all supportive of me and my growth.

But back to my original thought, what if everyone was allowed to express their feelings in a healthy manner? What if men were allowed to cry when they are hurt instead of being asked to "act like a man" and repress their feelings? (Furthermore what the hell does act like a man even mean?) What if women weren't considered crazy for being more expressive of their feelings, or their ability to change them very rapidly? What if going to counseling to deal with things such as depression and anxiety wasn't such a taboo in the African American community? What if the judgment around feelings were removed all together? I wonder what type of positive impact would that have on society as a whole.

Lifetime Love vs Marriage

"women rather be in a marriage that doesn't last than a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime" ~ @ByneeFattah

God has an uncanny way of speaking to me, and doing it the way that He knows I'm going to receive in and understand it. I have been in my feelings this morning thinking about relationships and marriage, and when I logged onto twitter that was the topic of discussion. I've been sitting here at my desk for a little over an hour reading questions geared to both men and women regarding marriage, and their thoughts and beliefs along with their replies. Then I came across the reply above, and it made me stop and think about what I really wanted vs what I was allowing society to make me think that I wanted. I'm not a traditionalist in any since of the word. I don't want a traditional marriage. I don't want a traditional wedding. My relationships are often not traditional relationships. I don't believe in traditional gender roles. So it is often hard for me to fit into society's "traditional" wants out of relationships.

I have a friend who I have dated briefly in the past. We've never had sex, but we have a good chemistry. We've "talked" on and off since 2009, and I wouldn't mind being in a relationship with him. I feel that he would make a good husband and father, and that he would provide for his family. In addition to that he accepts me for who I am, he doesn't judge me, and he would allow me to continue to be myself in a relationship. However, I don't have any emotional connection to him. I care about him as a person and as my friend but that's about it. On the flip side I have someone who I love dearly. Someone who I feel is my soul mate, my other half. He is more than I could have ever hoped for in a person. We have a connection on all levels, and it is amazing. But, our relationship may never be more that what it is now.

Me being the non-traditional person that I am, I opened up to the idea of having the best of both worlds, to being in an open relationship/marriage where I could have my husband and the person that I love and who I am so connected to as well. For the past few years I've been intrigued by the idea of an open relationship. Not because I want to share (cuz I'm quite possessive once I get attached), but because I feel that it would allow everyone involved to make sure that ALL of their needs are met and that they aren't settling for the one person who comes close to meeting them but is still missing something. I had began discussing my thoughts as well as my fears with my Boo this morning after he asked about my friend. I explained to him the nature of our friendship, our past, and what could possibly become of things. In the past I have also discussed the idea of being in an open marriage with my friend. So, he knows my stance on it, and he seemed ok with it then. I was ok with the idea of moving forward and putting some things into motion when I got into work and started reading twitter.

So now, I have this tweet, this one thought by some random guy I don't even follow on twitter. Then I have all of my questions and thoughts that come along with it. Do I really want to be in a marriage that doesn't last for the sake of being married? NO! Why do I even want to be married? More than anything I need the support. I need someone to go through life with. I need another parent for the kid that I have and the potential kid that I may want in the near future. Does my current relationship provide for these needs/wants? Some of them but not all. Does what my current relationship provide outweigh my desire for marriage? Honestly, I don't know. I do know that I would not sacrifice my current relationship to be married to someone else. If I couldn't be in an open marriage where I could continue to maintain my current relationship then I would just keep things the way that they are. I do want my current relationship to last for a lifetime. Its not about a title, a ceremony, or a ring. Its about the love and the support that is provided. Its is about the care that is given and the connection that we have. Anything else would just be an addition to that because there's no one who is going to be able to replace it.

God has caused me to stop and think, critically, about what it is I really desire. I'm happy to say that I'm not one of the women who wants a marriage for the sake of being married, and that I'd take a loving relationship that lasts a lifetime over a ring and a title any day. I also know that I need to take my time and think some more about being in an open marriage/relationship. Although it's something that have been discussed with both parties, I need to make sure it's what's for me.

Helping Others Help Themselves

This week has been crazy for me. I will work a total of 58 hours and only be paid for 40 of them because I'm salaried. My son's birthday is this weekend and on top of that I have at least 4 friends (which is the majority of them) going through some shit right now. I am the type of person who will drop what I'm doing for my friends. I put my life on the back burner to be there for them in their time of need. I'll give them my last, my all. That's just who I am and how I'll always be. I said all of that to say that I woke up this morning tired, mentally and physically drained. I can't wait until next weekend when I get to go and recharge because it is definitely needed.

Two out of the 4 friends who are going through some shit managed to piss me off this week, well within the past 2 days. As much as I want them to do better for themselves and as much as I'm willing to help, I had to tell myself last night that they have to want it more than I do. I can give them all of the resources, all of the assistance, all of the positive words in the world, but until they are tired of being in the situations that they are in and feeling the way that they do nothing will change. You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink. I had to remind myself (more like my best friend reminded me) that I too was just in the same boat recently. I was in a bad relationship, and I needed to get out of it. As much as my friends saw it and encouraged me to leave, I had to leave on my own time. I had to get fed up. I finally did, and I left. But, while I was in it I had my friends support. No matter how tired they were of hearing about him and what he was doing to me. They supported me through it. So while EYE don't necessarily like the situations my friends are in, and while it angers me beyond words, I have to support them through it. As much as I want to, I can't fix it for them. As draining as it is on me, I still have to be there. Because if not me then who?

So as I continue to field excuses and attend pitty parties, I also continue to provide resources and assistance. I continue to provide positive words of encouragement, support and love. Eventually I will toughen up on the love a little bit because sometimes that's what's needed. Sometimes you have to give people the truth with no sugar, no filter. While it may sting initially, the shock value in it may get them to wake up and take action for themselves. And THAT is all that I really want for them.

Finally Fitting In

I went to bed last night with 50-11 things on my mind...unable to get any real sleep, and I woke up this morning the same way. Then the desire to blog hit me so I logged in and prepared to spill my thoughts onto my computer screen. But, before I did I started reading through old blog posts. After all these are my random thoughts, and I wanted to see just what those thoughts have been. What I realized is that for the past 6-7 years I have been trying to find myself...or should I say find the happiness that I lost when I ended my relationship with Taj. Not saying that he was the source of my happiness, but he helped to create and provide an environment where I felt safe being myself, where I felt comfortable. Everything wasn't always perfect. My finances weren't always the best. Life wasn't always easy. But, I was happy, and honestly that is the last time that I can truly say that I felt that way.

In my true to form self, I have tried to analyze why I haven't been able to achieve that happiness and what I need to do to get back to that place. I've come up with the two most important things that I had in that relationship: 1) The ability to be myself...free of judgment, with understanding and 2) The ability to feel safe in my surroundings. He is the one person who truly knows and understands me at my essence, my core. Outside of my relationship with him, I have had to compartmentalize who I am with people to "fit in" to their standards or society's standards of who and what I "should" be. I have not been able to truly be me, and this has been my source of unhappiness...my cause for stress, pain, depression, anxiety, and everything else I've been through for the past 6+ years. I have had moments of happiness, moments of joy, but they never last long because ultimately I was still being repressed and suppressed. I have spent years reflecting and trying to make changes and adjustments within myself to fit in instead of changing my surroundings to fit who I am.

Everyone has a reason for coming into your life, and I thank God for Kevin. Our relationship was hell, but it helped me to get to this point. They say that change isn't easy, but it's worth the pain that I went through. It broke me out of the cycle that I've been in, got me off the hamster wheel. He was the person who put me back in touch with myself, who I am, what I like, what brings me pleasure and happiness. While I wasn't comfortable enough with him to truly open up all the way and be me completely, he encouraged me to find that person who I could be myself with, and I have...and I'm happy. I have not only found a single person (who is the most amazing person ever), but I've found a group of people, a community, a lifestyle where I fit in. I've found a place where I'm not a deviant, where I won't be judged...a group of like minded people. What's funny is I dated someone back in 2009 who did the same thing. But, when the relationship didn't work out I went back to trying to fit in with society's "norm". I guess it is true that you will repeat the same things over and over until you get it. I'm happy that I finally got it. I'm happy that I found the key to my lock. I'm happy that I have the support of a really close friend and soror. I'm happy that I have a community of people who think like me. I'm happy that after 32 years of living I've finally found where I fit in.