Before I talk about everything else that happened on Insecure last night I want to first address the popping up at Neighbor Bae's house. NO....JUST NO! Popping up at someone's house is a cardinal sin Issa. This isn't the first time Issa has popped up at someone's house either. Last week she popped up at Daniel's house unannounced, and I guess because Daniel didn't check her about it she thought that it was ok. Well I'm here to tell you that popping up is the QUICKEST way to get your feelings hurt. Also, you DEFINITELY don't pop up on random penis. Neighbor Bae didn't even know he was in the "hoetation" for her to be popping up. This scene definitely gets the Bitch You Tried It Award!
Speaking of trying something...I really need Issa to try to not be so desperate for dick. If she would stop trying so hard then maybe dick would come to her. Treating people who are interested in her like a piece of meat is going to eventually backfire on her. There was absolutely no justification for the way that she treated Nico. And I'm sorry, but what person in their right mind is going to turn down free food...TUH. It is clear that Issa has ZERO game (in addition to no communication skills). She could have possibly gotten the dick that night if she would have played her cards right and not been so thirsty.
On top of being a thirst bucket, Issa is just plain immature. I don't know who would win the Best Tantrum Award, her or Molly, but Issa put on a pretty good show last night. First the pouty session because Nico didn't want to fuck. Then the all out tantrum because Daniel came in her face. I felt like I was watching one of my high school students and not a 20 something year old woman. And, who ain't sucking dick in 2017? Please help a sista understand how she was in a long-term relationship and ain't never put her lips on a dick. Either way, her response to catching cum to the face was way over the top. Dude told you that he was about to cum and you didn't move out of the way (or swallow). Your bad! Also, cum to the eye is a way worse experience in real life. Its not something I wish on anyone.
I'm going to end my rant today on Issa downplaying her pussy. Sis...NOOOOO. How are you going to say "sex with me isn't amazing" and question why men are fucking other women in the same breath. Don't no dude want wack pussy...and you ain't giving head. No wonder your "hoetation" ain't going around and you out here being a thirst bucket for dick. If you don't feel like you're putting it down in the sex department then you aren't going to come with your A game. Better yet you aren't going to have an A game. If I'm trying to keep dick coming back I'm pulling out all the stops, and I surely am not going to doubt my skills. That was a very low self-esteem/Insecure moment. Until Issa handles that then her "hoetation" is going to lack rotation.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Monday, August 21, 2017
Issa....and Lawrence
Issa, Issa, Issa. Girl what are you doing? I am kinda proud of Issa for finding her inner hoe. But I seriously feel like she's making a mistake by hoeing around with Daniel. Don't get me wrong I am 1000% #TeamFuckYourFriends, BUT there has to be a level of understanding. An understanding that she didn't get before she jumped back in the bed with him. It is very evident that Daniel has feelings for her. The question is does she have the same feelings for him (and suppressing them) or is she really in this "I'm just out here having fun" stage? Either way she has a seemingly good dude who has feelings for her and most importantly a great friend on her team. Its just up to her not to fuck it up, which can happen when sex is involved without a clear understanding.
As for Lawrence, he really wants that ol' thing back (insert crying laughing emoji). The saying "you never miss what you had until its gone" definitely rings true in this situation. Now he wants to miss Issa after he's gotten his dick wet and been used for his dick by some random Beckys. I don't even know if I can feel sorry for him at this moment because when Issa was trying he was in his feelings and not willing to communicate. But now that Issa isn't sitting around moping he's low key stalking her.
Let me tell ya'll how I clapped for joy when Chad called Lawrence out on his shit! Its about time someone gave him a dose of reality. Like dude a woman carried your ass for 2 years while you "worked on getting your shit together" and then you get in your feelings because a dude who has really been out here getting his shit together fucked your girl?!?!?! Uhhh okay (in my Jay-Z voice). I'm not advocating for Issa cheating, but if you aren't bringing home the bacon then your ass surely better be cooking it and fucking your mate so good that they don't mind that they're carrying you.
I get depression and shit. I'm diagnosed and medicated for it, but that's because I came to a point in my life when I realized that I actually needed help. Like you can't use your depression as an excuse if you aren't trying to do anything about it. Which clearly Lawrence wasn't trying to do anything about it. Him not doing anything about it and not providing his girl the dick she needed lead to her fucking someone who could. It was a fucked up thing to do, and she felt bad about it immediately afterwards, but sometimes the body wants what it wants. Sometimes the mind is weak and the flesh is strong and we as humans give in.
Either way, Lawrence needed to be called out for his bullshit. He needed to understand the role he played in the position that he's currently in. He could have been happy in a relationship with Issa if he would have manned up and got a job sooner. It is easier to get a better job if you at least have a job. Also, most people who start up their own business do so while working for someone else. Most middle-class Americans can't afford to not have some type of income while waiting on their business or idea to take off. Lawrence was lucky to have a girl who allowed him to not contribute to the household for two years while he tried to get his idea off the ground.
I just hope that this is truly the wake-up call that he needs. Now I just need for him to stop stalking Darius's social media and actually reach out to Issa and stop acting like a little bitch about it.
As for Lawrence, he really wants that ol' thing back (insert crying laughing emoji). The saying "you never miss what you had until its gone" definitely rings true in this situation. Now he wants to miss Issa after he's gotten his dick wet and been used for his dick by some random Beckys. I don't even know if I can feel sorry for him at this moment because when Issa was trying he was in his feelings and not willing to communicate. But now that Issa isn't sitting around moping he's low key stalking her.
Let me tell ya'll how I clapped for joy when Chad called Lawrence out on his shit! Its about time someone gave him a dose of reality. Like dude a woman carried your ass for 2 years while you "worked on getting your shit together" and then you get in your feelings because a dude who has really been out here getting his shit together fucked your girl?!?!?! Uhhh okay (in my Jay-Z voice). I'm not advocating for Issa cheating, but if you aren't bringing home the bacon then your ass surely better be cooking it and fucking your mate so good that they don't mind that they're carrying you.
I get depression and shit. I'm diagnosed and medicated for it, but that's because I came to a point in my life when I realized that I actually needed help. Like you can't use your depression as an excuse if you aren't trying to do anything about it. Which clearly Lawrence wasn't trying to do anything about it. Him not doing anything about it and not providing his girl the dick she needed lead to her fucking someone who could. It was a fucked up thing to do, and she felt bad about it immediately afterwards, but sometimes the body wants what it wants. Sometimes the mind is weak and the flesh is strong and we as humans give in.
Either way, Lawrence needed to be called out for his bullshit. He needed to understand the role he played in the position that he's currently in. He could have been happy in a relationship with Issa if he would have manned up and got a job sooner. It is easier to get a better job if you at least have a job. Also, most people who start up their own business do so while working for someone else. Most middle-class Americans can't afford to not have some type of income while waiting on their business or idea to take off. Lawrence was lucky to have a girl who allowed him to not contribute to the household for two years while he tried to get his idea off the ground.
I just hope that this is truly the wake-up call that he needs. Now I just need for him to stop stalking Darius's social media and actually reach out to Issa and stop acting like a little bitch about it.
Molly's Fairy Tale Falls Apart
Last night's Insecure was kinda dull compared to the previous episodes. There wasn't as much scandal as usual, but nonetheless there was plenty to talk about. In this post I really want to focus on Molly. Throughout the show she's had some pretty unrealistic expectations when it comes to dating. She's looking for the perfect man and the perfect relationship when there's really no such thing as perfection. We're humans, we all fuck up at some point in our lives. The tantrum that she had about finding out that her father cheated on her mother was something I'd expect from a teenager, not an almost 30-year-old adult.
I was 22 years old when I found out that my mother and father had separated and were getting a divorce. One day I came home from college for a visit and my mother just wasn't there. Nobody explained anything to me. Nobody told me where my mother was. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I found out that both my mom and dad had people on the side and stayed together for us. Once my youngest brother was about to graduate high school they felt that they didn't have to pretend anymore. Was I devastated at 24 years old? YES! Did I throw a tantrum about it and blame my dad and/or my mom. NO! I didn't allow my parents' break-up to skew my view of them. My daddy will always be the greatest man I know. I will always be a daddy's girl because my relationship with my father is based on how great of a parent he is to me. Not how good of a mate he was to my mother.
Molly's expectations for relationships are a LOT unrealistic. I believe that she truly believes in the fairy tale relationships that we see in Disney movies and on The Family Channel. I'm sorry Doll Face but that is really a fairy tale and not real life. Her parents' relationship may indeed be as close to a fairy tale as its going to get. Their relationship was strong enough to survive her father's infidelity that happened 30 years ago. Not only did it survive, but they are very much happy and in love. Molly's mom understood that sometimes people make mistakes and she was able to forgive him and learn to trust him again.
Molly's unrealistic expectations were even seen in last week's episode where she failed to understand how her best friend could be in an open marriage and why marriages today couldn't be like her parents'. She couldn't understand that Dro and his wife are doing what works for them and aren't following society's standards of what a marriage should be. I was actually happy to see that the show touched on open marriages and (so far) hasn't put them in a negative light. I can do a completely separate blog post about how open marriages aren't just for white people and they are actually more common than many think. But for now I'll just say good job Issa on showing that its something that's a reality for some relationships in today's society.
I can't wait until next week's episode to see how Molly processes her revenge fuck. I feel like she fucked Dro out of anger towards her parents and anger at her own beliefs of how relationships should go. For Molly to have been the hoe friend she sure lacks hoe mentality when it comes to relationships. Issa's doing a better job of hoeing than Molly right now. But I'll touch on that in another post!
I was 22 years old when I found out that my mother and father had separated and were getting a divorce. One day I came home from college for a visit and my mother just wasn't there. Nobody explained anything to me. Nobody told me where my mother was. It wasn't until a couple of years later that I found out that both my mom and dad had people on the side and stayed together for us. Once my youngest brother was about to graduate high school they felt that they didn't have to pretend anymore. Was I devastated at 24 years old? YES! Did I throw a tantrum about it and blame my dad and/or my mom. NO! I didn't allow my parents' break-up to skew my view of them. My daddy will always be the greatest man I know. I will always be a daddy's girl because my relationship with my father is based on how great of a parent he is to me. Not how good of a mate he was to my mother.
Molly's expectations for relationships are a LOT unrealistic. I believe that she truly believes in the fairy tale relationships that we see in Disney movies and on The Family Channel. I'm sorry Doll Face but that is really a fairy tale and not real life. Her parents' relationship may indeed be as close to a fairy tale as its going to get. Their relationship was strong enough to survive her father's infidelity that happened 30 years ago. Not only did it survive, but they are very much happy and in love. Molly's mom understood that sometimes people make mistakes and she was able to forgive him and learn to trust him again.
Molly's unrealistic expectations were even seen in last week's episode where she failed to understand how her best friend could be in an open marriage and why marriages today couldn't be like her parents'. She couldn't understand that Dro and his wife are doing what works for them and aren't following society's standards of what a marriage should be. I was actually happy to see that the show touched on open marriages and (so far) hasn't put them in a negative light. I can do a completely separate blog post about how open marriages aren't just for white people and they are actually more common than many think. But for now I'll just say good job Issa on showing that its something that's a reality for some relationships in today's society.
I can't wait until next week's episode to see how Molly processes her revenge fuck. I feel like she fucked Dro out of anger towards her parents and anger at her own beliefs of how relationships should go. For Molly to have been the hoe friend she sure lacks hoe mentality when it comes to relationships. Issa's doing a better job of hoeing than Molly right now. But I'll touch on that in another post!
Wednesday, March 11, 2015
Lifting the Fog
"Depression corrupts your view of reality. You create enemies, amplify stress. Everything becomes personal" ~@DeeRene_
I can't even began to explain how much truth there is in that statement. My recent bout with depression was a really tough one. It started around the Christmas holidays, as it always does. But, I didn't come out of it after the new year like I usually do. This year I was compounded by the stress and anxiety caused by my job. I loved my job...let me rephrase that...I loved the idea of my job, but having 4 different bosses and being pulled in 4 different directions...it was just too much. Add being depressed on top of that stress and anxiety, it fucked me up mentally.
I had no clue what reality actually looked like. In my mind my only true friend in this area became my enemy. I had convinced myself that she was being two-faced and that she could no longer be trusted. I had almost cut her off completely and written her off as a bad person. I had created SOOOOO much fear and anxiety about losing my Boo. I took everything he said or did personally. Every little thing caused me to believe that he was going to leave me, and this caused me to behave in ways that I am so ashamed of. He would say something that set me off, I would snap, and when he would shut me out I would go on these long tangents about my fear of losing him. I would beg and plead for him to let me back in only for the cycle to repeat itself.
Other than my son my Boo is my world. That's my family. He's a positive force in my life. He's a source of love, peace, and happiness. He brightens my soul. Of course I don't want to lose that, especially after dealing with all of the ain't shitness that I've had to deal with in the past. But, even though my Boo is better than your boo will ever be, he's also human. And while I was going through my thing, he was going through his own thing. As much as I needed him and his positivity, he needed me and my positivity, but neither of us had any to spare. So, Boo shutting down on me wasn't about me and my outlandish behavior (although I'm sure it contributed to it), it was about him trying to deal and cope with his own stuff. He just couldn't take on all of the extra that I was giving him.
Quitting my job was the best think I could have done for me, for my relationship, for my sanity. The day I turned in my resignation letter I felt so much lighter, like a bolder was lifted off of my shoulders. The fog in my head started to clear, and I was starting to think more rationally. I relapsed though after a student walked into my office and tried committing suicide while I was in the middle of a text conversation with my Boo. That set off another cycle of being shut out and begging to be let back in. It also pushed up my last day of work, so all and all I don't count it as a complete loss.
Since I've been home the stress and anxiety has gone away for the most part and the fog of the depression is lifting. I started realizing all of the mistakes that I've made. I saw how irrational my thoughts were and how they were so far from reality, how I allowed the irrationality fear to wreak havoc on my relationship. I'm starting to see things a lot more clearly, like I finally put my glasses on after going through life with blinders on for the past 3 months.
A very unfortunate circumstance allowed me to see that my friend is truly my friend and that she'll be there for me in my time of need. I don't know what will happen with Boo, as that relationship sustained the most damage. I do know that I love him A LOT, and I know that he loves me too, that he'll always love me. I know that he has to get through what he's going through and find his way back to himself. As much as I need him due to that very unfortunate circumstance, I want him to get better. I want to do whatever is needed to help him to get better. My stress, anxiety, and depression caused me to be selfish long enough. I stand in confidence and have faith that once we are both better and the fog has completely lifted for the both of us then things will be alright between us.
Tuesday, January 20, 2015
I Need to Lighten Up
"Bag lady, you gon hurt your back....carryin all them bags like that" ~ Ms. Badu
When the title of this blog came to me I wasn't even thinking about its double meaning. I had just woken up refreshed and in a good mood after having a bad day the day before. I woke up with epiphanies coming at me left and right. I journaled about some, sent emails about others. But the idea that I need to return to my nonchalant, light mood self was to be the topic of my blog today, but as I was taking a shower to get dressed for work I realized that the title could spawn a second and yet related topic. The need to let go of excess baggage.
Over the Christmas break I went home to Atlanta, and I was anxious to get my hair cut by my stylist there. I had been to several stylist in the Virginia area, but none could get my hair to look like it did when I lived in Atlanta. So, one of the first things I did was go and get a haircut. When I sat down in her chair the first thing she said to me is "What are you stressing about?", to which I replied "nothing". She then proceeded to turn the chair around so that I was looking her in her face and said to me "You are stressed! Your hair is in shock! Whatever it is...LET.IT.GO!" Its like she looked into my scalp like a crystal ball and could see the past 3 years of worry, stress, and anger. And that's exactly what the last 3 years have been for me. I had been in a constant state of distress for 2.5 years. Yet even after I let go of what have caused the stress, I have become this uptight and defensive person looking for the next thing that's going to go wrong or hurt me. I have lost touch with my lighter side. I had let go of the majority of my stressors and the negative influences on my life, but I had not let go of the defenses that I had built because of them.
So, I woke up this morning knowing that I had to get back in touch with that person. I need to let down my defenses because at this point I don't need them, and I need to start enjoying life. I need to get back to joking and having fun. I want to be able to enjoy my relationship and not live in fear of the next argument or the break-up. I want to be able to take a joke and not feel as if it something serious that I should be worried about. I want to not only be happy, but I want to have joy! I want to be playful, to live, laugh, and to love.
But, in order to do so I have to get rid of the baggage from my past hurts and my past stress. The load is too heavy, and it wasn't meant for me to carry. Those aren't my problems anymore. That isn't my drama anymore. I.AM.FREE! So, I need to stop carrying it around with me and looking for ways to add to it. In addition, I need to dump some more of the negative energy that is in my life. I have come to realize that although I may be a source of positive energy for people who I am a friend to, they may not be a positive source of energy to me. In fact, they are giving me negative energy in exchange for my positive energy, and this has to stop. I need to be around people who I exchange positive energy with. I have several of those people in my life now, but it doesn't help if there's that one negative person draining all of the positive energy that I'm receiving. That baggage too, has to go!
Yesterday I said that I was tired, and my boo's response to that was "well then you need to change", and I intend to do just that. I started making changes in my life during the second half of 2014, and I will probably spend the majority of 2015 continuing to make those changes that are needed to be a better me mentally, spiritually, and physically. I'm excited about the change that has happened, and I'm excited about the change that is yet to come. I'm excited about this year. I'm ready to lighten up and enjoy it.
When the title of this blog came to me I wasn't even thinking about its double meaning. I had just woken up refreshed and in a good mood after having a bad day the day before. I woke up with epiphanies coming at me left and right. I journaled about some, sent emails about others. But the idea that I need to return to my nonchalant, light mood self was to be the topic of my blog today, but as I was taking a shower to get dressed for work I realized that the title could spawn a second and yet related topic. The need to let go of excess baggage.
Over the Christmas break I went home to Atlanta, and I was anxious to get my hair cut by my stylist there. I had been to several stylist in the Virginia area, but none could get my hair to look like it did when I lived in Atlanta. So, one of the first things I did was go and get a haircut. When I sat down in her chair the first thing she said to me is "What are you stressing about?", to which I replied "nothing". She then proceeded to turn the chair around so that I was looking her in her face and said to me "You are stressed! Your hair is in shock! Whatever it is...LET.IT.GO!" Its like she looked into my scalp like a crystal ball and could see the past 3 years of worry, stress, and anger. And that's exactly what the last 3 years have been for me. I had been in a constant state of distress for 2.5 years. Yet even after I let go of what have caused the stress, I have become this uptight and defensive person looking for the next thing that's going to go wrong or hurt me. I have lost touch with my lighter side. I had let go of the majority of my stressors and the negative influences on my life, but I had not let go of the defenses that I had built because of them.
So, I woke up this morning knowing that I had to get back in touch with that person. I need to let down my defenses because at this point I don't need them, and I need to start enjoying life. I need to get back to joking and having fun. I want to be able to enjoy my relationship and not live in fear of the next argument or the break-up. I want to be able to take a joke and not feel as if it something serious that I should be worried about. I want to not only be happy, but I want to have joy! I want to be playful, to live, laugh, and to love.
But, in order to do so I have to get rid of the baggage from my past hurts and my past stress. The load is too heavy, and it wasn't meant for me to carry. Those aren't my problems anymore. That isn't my drama anymore. I.AM.FREE! So, I need to stop carrying it around with me and looking for ways to add to it. In addition, I need to dump some more of the negative energy that is in my life. I have come to realize that although I may be a source of positive energy for people who I am a friend to, they may not be a positive source of energy to me. In fact, they are giving me negative energy in exchange for my positive energy, and this has to stop. I need to be around people who I exchange positive energy with. I have several of those people in my life now, but it doesn't help if there's that one negative person draining all of the positive energy that I'm receiving. That baggage too, has to go!
Yesterday I said that I was tired, and my boo's response to that was "well then you need to change", and I intend to do just that. I started making changes in my life during the second half of 2014, and I will probably spend the majority of 2015 continuing to make those changes that are needed to be a better me mentally, spiritually, and physically. I'm excited about the change that has happened, and I'm excited about the change that is yet to come. I'm excited about this year. I'm ready to lighten up and enjoy it.
Tuesday, December 16, 2014
Boycott. Boycott. BOYCOTT!
Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance! I'm sure if you're a member of a Black Greek Letter Organization (BGLO) that you've heard this statement before. Better yet, if you've attended an HBCU you've also probably heard it. Yet, during this time of the 2nd Civil Rights Movement, as I like to call it, we as African American people are often missing the key theme of the statement, PROPER PLANNING! We have finally gotten to the state of being outraged and ready to fight back against the injustices that we have been dealing with for far too long, but the one thing that we lack that the previous Civil Rights Movement had are leaders to strategize and plan things out. True to form, this generation is so dependent on instant gratification that they take off to be social activists without thinking things through and doing proper research. They just want change and they want it NOW! I'm sorry, but real change isn't going to happen now, it won't happen tomorrow, or the next day. Real change is going to take a while, and in order for it to be effective we have to plan and strategize our methods of exacting change on society.
We have finally accepted that we have a voice, we have buying power, and we can use that power to be heard. But, nobody has done any research as to how to wield this power. The first thing that we do when something happens that we don't agree with is yell boycott. But who, what, when, where, and exactly for how long are we boycotting. People look at the Birmingham Bus Boycott as an example of how effective boycotting can be, but what they don't look at is the fact that what was supposed to be a one day boycott turned into a 381 day boycott. Not only did it last 381 days but it was a united front by every single Black person in Birmingham regardless of how far they had to walk to get to their destinations or how much stuff they had to carry in transit. If we really want to pick up the sword that is our buying power and use it as a tool to be not only heard but respected, then we have to do a better job at it because right now we're just waving it around in the air and not causing any real damage. We boycotted Black Friday and Cyber Monday but shopped every other day of the week. We want a show taken off of the air, but instead of boycotting the show or the station that its on we actually watch the show to boycott the companies who advertise during that time slot. Then on top of that nothing we're doing is unified. We are too busy, with our crabs in a barrel mentality, trying to find fault in ideas to support them.
In order for change to happen it has to be researched, it has to be calculated and planned, and it has to be unified. We have to be in this together and for the long haul, however long that is. We have to start supporting each other, pouring money back into our communities, rebuilding our communities, rebuilding our sense of family/community. We also have to realize that doing just one thing isn't going to work. Just boycotting, just voting, or just marching isn't going to fix the issue. We have to do them all. Don't just vote to say that you're voting but be an informed voter. Don't just march or protest to be seen in a picture but be informed about what's going on, and not just what you read on FB or twitter. Don't just boycott because someone yelled boycott but research and find the way that is going to be most effective. Most importantly do ALL that you can to help the cause if you're truly down for it and want to see change.
We have finally accepted that we have a voice, we have buying power, and we can use that power to be heard. But, nobody has done any research as to how to wield this power. The first thing that we do when something happens that we don't agree with is yell boycott. But who, what, when, where, and exactly for how long are we boycotting. People look at the Birmingham Bus Boycott as an example of how effective boycotting can be, but what they don't look at is the fact that what was supposed to be a one day boycott turned into a 381 day boycott. Not only did it last 381 days but it was a united front by every single Black person in Birmingham regardless of how far they had to walk to get to their destinations or how much stuff they had to carry in transit. If we really want to pick up the sword that is our buying power and use it as a tool to be not only heard but respected, then we have to do a better job at it because right now we're just waving it around in the air and not causing any real damage. We boycotted Black Friday and Cyber Monday but shopped every other day of the week. We want a show taken off of the air, but instead of boycotting the show or the station that its on we actually watch the show to boycott the companies who advertise during that time slot. Then on top of that nothing we're doing is unified. We are too busy, with our crabs in a barrel mentality, trying to find fault in ideas to support them.
In order for change to happen it has to be researched, it has to be calculated and planned, and it has to be unified. We have to be in this together and for the long haul, however long that is. We have to start supporting each other, pouring money back into our communities, rebuilding our communities, rebuilding our sense of family/community. We also have to realize that doing just one thing isn't going to work. Just boycotting, just voting, or just marching isn't going to fix the issue. We have to do them all. Don't just vote to say that you're voting but be an informed voter. Don't just march or protest to be seen in a picture but be informed about what's going on, and not just what you read on FB or twitter. Don't just boycott because someone yelled boycott but research and find the way that is going to be most effective. Most importantly do ALL that you can to help the cause if you're truly down for it and want to see change.
Monday, December 1, 2014
How Are You Behaving?
My cousin posted this picture and it really got me to thinking about how my behavior is affecting and has affected my relationships. Often times we want to point the blame for the failures in our lives and in our relationships at other people. But, a wise saying (or a smart ass remark) once said "when you are pointing the finger at other people you have 3 fingers pointing back at you".
I took an introspective look at my behavior (particularly over the last month), and I was ashamed of myself. I have allowed myself to get caught up in being a spoiled brat. I allowed jealousy and envy to rear its head unabashedly. I lost control! Control of my feelings, control of my behavior. Then fear stepped in because anytime that I'm out of control or at a low point fear rears its ugly head to to make me feel worse that I already do. So now I'm being a scared, jealous, envious spoiled ass brat, and I'm taking all of this out on the person who I love. The person least deserving of this treatment. The person who I am don't want to lose. Yet, I allowed fear to continue to allow me to spiral further out of control. I've fucked up, and I'm afraid to lose someone who I love. But, am I really losing him or is it just the fear making me believe that I am. And, that's how fear works. Fear has you believing and doing irrational things based on fabricated thoughts. It targets your weak spot, and often the person who you love the most is your weakest spot.
This phrase though, it caused me to stop. I stopped thinking, overanalyzing, and processing the fear. I stopped and I realized that the problem wasn't any of the things that I had perceived as problems but that the problem was me and my behavior. So now that I have acknowledged what the problem is the next thing to do is to work on changing it. My battle with fear is an ongoing one. But knowing this, I must work more diligently in overcoming it. I must change HOW I've been addressing it. In that I must be proactive and rationalize my thinking BEFORE I allow fear to set in and control my thoughts. Only then will my behavior change.
I took an introspective look at my behavior (particularly over the last month), and I was ashamed of myself. I have allowed myself to get caught up in being a spoiled brat. I allowed jealousy and envy to rear its head unabashedly. I lost control! Control of my feelings, control of my behavior. Then fear stepped in because anytime that I'm out of control or at a low point fear rears its ugly head to to make me feel worse that I already do. So now I'm being a scared, jealous, envious spoiled ass brat, and I'm taking all of this out on the person who I love. The person least deserving of this treatment. The person who I am don't want to lose. Yet, I allowed fear to continue to allow me to spiral further out of control. I've fucked up, and I'm afraid to lose someone who I love. But, am I really losing him or is it just the fear making me believe that I am. And, that's how fear works. Fear has you believing and doing irrational things based on fabricated thoughts. It targets your weak spot, and often the person who you love the most is your weakest spot.
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